Things that are most personal to you, are more often than not those things which have moved you in your worst of days, been there for you when no one else was, as the only thing that kept you going. Cinema, for me, is one such thing. However, before I could fully appreciate and comprehend the art cinema, I had stumbled upon this series that changed my life forever, for the better, of course. My first ever series, Zindagi Gulzar Hai was this Pakistani series based on the novel by the same name. At an age, where you're struggling to find your voice, too baffled to develop a personality or a value system you would abide by, I found myself in Kashaf Murtaza.

There hasn't been another character I've related to as much. Kashaf Murtaza was flawed, headstrong, confident, feisty, self-made, class conscious, fastidious, egoistic, fragile, sensitive, indifferent; all of which I'd never seen in a female protagonist before.

An intensely tangled character with nuanced layers, the arc her character attains by the end of the series, is what transformed me as a person forever, wherein I began to accept my flawed self.

From a lower middle class family, Kashaf Murtaza is the "chudail awwal" who outperforms the richest brats of her university, people who have twice as many opportunities than she can ever have. She's proud of the Kashaf she is, but suffers from the complexes of being a Murtaza, being the daughter of a father who abandoned her mother for giving birth to three daughters, compelling her mother to raise them on her own almost without a father.

In university, she initially tries to fit in only to realise that her clothes or accessories can never match upto them, "isse achha hain ki main apni energy usme lagao, jisse main unka muqabla kar sakti hoon, jaise ki padhai." Even though this was her epiphany, for me this was something my mom always told me, every time I tried to fit in somewhere I didn't belong, that my work should speak for itself.

She's at loggerheads with a rich brat Zaroon, who in her opinion, is privileged, entitled and elitist enough to be living in his own utopian world. Little did she know that all that glitters isn’t gold and neither did I, until then.

It is her achievements that lend her all the self-worth she possesses, she takes a lot of pride in her achievements, for it's always through the worst of days that she had to pass, to live to taste the fruits of her perseverance. She, however, isn't immune to her insecurities.

She has insecurities about her nose being crooked, hair not being great, of having an average looking face. Something I also garnered in my school days. She has an inferiority complex which she masks inadvertently with her superiority complex; she fears people would judge her for her habits, her values, her neighborhood, her family; hence, is always with her guards on. I was always the "nerdy studious helpful girl" (Ref: all my slam book pages) in school, who was anything but “cool" and that was something I always secretly aspired to be.

Her mother being the only parent and for the women she is, who raised them to the best of her abilities, is the person she's closest to. So am I. Kashaf is me who can't help but confide in her but never wants to add to the problems already on her plate.

"Tum laakh samjho mujhe sangemarmar, main tumhare saamne rait ki deewar nahi ban sakti, mujhe toot jane se khauf aata hain."

Having had to tackle the worst of problems by herself, Kashaf never felt the need to open up to anyone, lest they mistake her strong outer shell to be fragile, tag her misery as her frailty.

She's secretive about her feelings, her problems, her insecurities, which only manifest themselves in unprecedented ways, only to allow plenty of room to be misconstrued. I'm Kashaf once again, for I still can't put my feelings on a plate and hand it over to anyone, not even my mother. This sometimes makes me good, but not good enough.

Kashaf eventually learns it the hard way that nobody's life is indeed perfect, but it is we who should count our blessings and see life for the bitter-sweet flower bed it is.


"Zindagi waaqei mein gulzar hain. Jaise Zaroon usko kehta hain....Zindagi abhi bhi baki hain. Bas farq yahi hai ki ab meri diary mein Allah ke liye shikwe kam hain. Maine unn cheezon pe raazi hona seekh liya hain jo wo mujhe deta hai. Aur unn cheezo ki talaash chhodd di hain jo laahasil hain."